While “How to Get Over a Breakup” was the number one requested article topic I’ve written on, it’s not surprising that a close second is the topic of How to Find True Love.
Regardless of our culture, our level of education or economic status,
at the depth of all of us are the same desires- to love, to be loved,
and to be happy.
Of course we could add other desires to this list, like money and
wealth and fancy things, but when you drill into these things, the
reason for wanting them is so that we can appear more desirable, and
will hopefully be loved and accepted.
If love is something so fundamentally important to us, then why is it
that we have so many issues and misunderstandings in the area of
finding it? I think the answer is simple, that most of us have never
been educated in this fundamental area of our development. Chances are,
you didn’t grow up with parents who were relationship experts, and we
certainly didn’t study relationships in our high school curriculums. For
most of us, it’s been an adventure in trial and error and learning
through pain and heart-break. But is there an easier way?
In light of Valentine’s Day approaching this week, I am going to touch on one of my favorite topics of all time: finding love.
Personal Story
I spent most of my time in my late teens and early twenties on
finding love, or so I thought at the time. In actuality I was seeking
self-acceptance, approval and identity. I was deeply insecure and had a
great fear of being alone. I jumped from relationship to relationship,
all the while searching for myself. But the act of seeking self-worth
through my external relationships took me further from that which I
longed.
I’ve always been an ambitious person and in addition to my job, I’ve
often worked on side projects and other interests. But whenever I found
myself in a relationship, I would drop everything that was important to
me and would focus exclusively on the person I was dating. You see, I
didn’t respect myself, and I thought that finding someone to love me was
more important than anything else. During these time-consuming romantic
courtships, I was distancing myself further from my passions, my
purpose and my true self.
Looking back, I had entered many of these relationships out of
infatuation or loneliness. It was the fear of abandonment or the guilt
of obligation that kept me in these relationships. I often got into and
remained involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. I would
convince myself that no one else out there would love me, and so I
settled. Despite my surface appearance, I was deeply unhappy.
My freedom day
came roughly two years ago. In a state of deep depression over
unsatisfied relationships and through a growing despise of my gross
dependencies on them, a miraculous understanding came to me and I
experienced a moment of clarity. At that moment I made a vow to end the
pain. (Read my detailed journal entry from that day here.)
I started to devour as much material and wisdom as I could find on
the topic of relationships, and studied (and continue to study) with
relationship expert Alison Armstrong.
I have come a long way from being that insecure little girl, and have
learned much about myself in the process. Most importantly I discovered
that once I started to truly love myself, and to focus on my own inner
peace and wellness, true love came looking for me.
Problematic Relationship Patterns
Let’s first look at some common relationship problems and why many romantic partnerships do not work out.
1. Ego, Fear, & Emotional Insecurities
As with material possessions or professional achievements,
relationships give our ego a method by which to identify who we are to
the outside world. The problem is that we attach so much of our identity
to the external appearance of our relationships that we lose touch with
the parts of ourselves that are wise and conscious. The attachment to
this false identity leads to a feeling of desperation rather than
fulfillment. After all, without the relationship, or the job, or
whichever other false identity we have chosen, who would we be?
Besides the ego identification, it’s easy to develop a dependency on
companionship. That independent person that we once were starts to
evaporate. Our mind becomes fogged and as our self-identification begins
to attach itself to the other person, unconsciously or consciously, we
become afraid to lose that person. We become dependent on that person and fearful of loneliness.
Out of our emotional insecurities, we start to become needy and to
seek out validation from our partner. So, instead of focusing on the celebration of love and partnership, it becomes a game of how to protect ourselves from loss.
2. Communication of Needs
Out of a desire to avoid appearing needy and out of a fear of losing
our partner, we start to filter what we say. In doing so, we do not
communicate our needs clearly, openly or bravely. We somehow become
convinced that our partner will magically know what to do to
fulfill our needs. When our needs are not met, we secretly blame the
other person and begin to resent them. When we are unhappy, our partner
will pick up on the cues, and in turn, secretly resent us, thus starting
a vicious cycle in the silent destruction of a romantic partnership.
So much of what needed to be said was not said, and bad feelings are
bottled up and start to accumulate for both parties. Have you ever had a
friend come to you and complain about all of the things they are
unhappy about with their partner? Those are the kinds of things they
should be telling their partner, if they actually want a change.
Worse yet is when one partner openly communicates their needs only to
find that the other party is simply not listening, or does not fully
acknowledge what was said, or makes them feel guilty for having those
needs.
3. Bad Fit and Settling by Default
Deep down, we are all really good people. But this doesn’t mean that
any combination of two good people will make a good partnership. There is such thing as a bad fit, and it is okay to admit it.
The best fits are ones where the most important values for both
people are met. They must have life goals that align with one another
and have a mutual attraction, understanding, and level of respect for
each other. Both people must be committed to making the partnership
their top priority.
Sometimes, even when we realize that our relationship isn’t a good
fit, we justify staying in it with what seem like logical reasons. We
may feel that we won’t find another person who accepts and loves us as
much as the current partner. Or we may be afraid to be alone, so we
simply settle by default. Each time we are reminded of the bad fit, we
brush it under the rug and distract ourselves with some other thought.
We may feel that we are doing a service to the other person by
staying in the relationship, but in reality, we are hurting them by not
being honest with them and ourselves. And we are accumulating bad
feelings and bad energy in our inner space.
Who Is Your Ideal Mate?
We all have a rough idea of what our perfect partner is like:
beautiful, or smart, or rich, or educated, or tall, or petite, or pale,
or dark, or handsome, or fit, with this car, or with that house or
whatever else that strikes our fancy.
The problem comes when we find ourselves in a relationship and we are
constantly comparing our partners with this conjured-up ‘perfect’
person. When that happens, we stop appreciating our partner for all the
beautiful qualities they do possess.
The truth is this perfect person does not exist. More importantly, we may not actually need all of these qualities in a partner to be extraordinarily happy.
What we need is to identify the most important qualities that we must have
in order to feel satisfied and fulfilled (more on creating a must-have
list below). By not having identified the must-have qualities in our
chosen life partner, we end up settling, and since the person cannot
give us the things we truly need, we start to resent them. This will
snowball into larger issues.
For example, if height is something that is really important to you,
and your partner does not meet that height requirement, regardless of
how much they try, they will never grow taller or shrink shorter, and
this will bug you and affect your union.
In life, we will get random results if we have not specified what we
want. Identifying and understanding what it is that we need in a
relationship, allows us to set clear intentions, and in doing so, moves
us closer to realizing our intended desires.
Identifying Must-Haves
Here’s a very affective exercise that I picked up from Alison Armstrong that will help you discover and identify the must-have qualities
in your partner. I highly recommend taking at least 10 minutes to go
through this, even if you are presently in a relationship.
Grab a pen and some paper. Find a place where you won’t be interrupted. Turn off the phone, the TV, the computer.
Ready? Here we go:
Step 1. The Perfect Image
On a blank piece of paper, list out all the qualities that your ideal
partner will have. What kind of characteristics and qualities do you
truly desire? Be creative and open. Use a bullet pointed list, not
sentences. List out as many as possible, and use as many pieces of paper
as needed.
Be as specific as you can. Get into details like physical attributes,
values, lifestyle, views on money, spiritual beliefs, personality
traits, hobbies, abilities, age, habits, profession, tastes, etc.
For physical attributes, include things like height, weight, body
type, hair color, ethnicity, or anything that you would want if you had
your choice in creating your ideal partner.
Step 2. Minimum Requirements (MR)
Minimum requirements are qualities you need from your partner, and without them, you will feel unwell or unsatisfied.
Go through each quality from step 1 and test it with this question:
“Would I rather be alone than be with a person who wasn’t [insert quality]?”
If the answer is yes, mark MR next to the quality, otherwise, leave it blank.
Don’t worry if your list sounds superficial or ridiculous. One MR
item on my list is “Great dancer with rhythm and groove”, which may seem
like a trivial or petty quality for some people, but is a deal breaker
for me.<
Step 3. Screening MRs
Now, filter through the MR list, for each item with the MR label, ask the following question:
“If a person had all the other qualities on my MR list, am I willing to let this quality go?”
If the answer is yes, cross out that MR.
The Selection Process
I believe it is crucial to identify and clearly communicate our
relationship expectations and personal timelines early on in the dating
phase. So often, we get into relationships with silent expectations of a
future event that is important to us, thinking that our
partner will come around to it when the time is right, only to find out
several years later that things will never work out the way we expected.
Some common unspoken issues of this nature revolve around marriage,
children, financial goals, and even which city you settle down in.
First, be clear with yourself on these types of issues. Understand
what kind of commitment you are looking for in a relationship, how you
feel about children and where you plan to live. There are no wrong
answers, but be honest and specific about what you are looking for in
the current stage of your life.
Next, tell yourself that on all of your first dates, you will be
clear with people about your relationship expectations and timeline, if
any. It can be a scary and awkward experience at first, but it will
become less of a nerve racking experience over time. And just think of
all the time and emotional energy you are saving by being open from the
get-go, instead of setting silent expectations that can lead to
disappointment.
On my first dates with any guy, I found that telling them my
expectations was pretty nerve-racking, especially for men I was really
attracted to, since they could potentially run the other way. I would
begin to tell myself that this would be too much of a shocking
conversation for most people to handle on a first date. Why not just
wait until date 5 or 6, when I know that he really likes me? The answer
is that by then I would have emotionally attached myself to this person
and would then be in a situation where I would either have to settle for
less than what I wanted, or break it off. It would have been much
better to have learned on the first date whether or not we were a good
fit.
Personally, I was looking for a husband and to start a family. I
would tell them that I wanted to get married before I turned 30 and to
start making babies within two years of getting married. Oh, and I would
also like to have two children. “Are you okay with that timeline?” I
would ask them. The men who were okay with my timeline stayed and the
ones who weren’t went away. No hurt feelings and everyone wins.
Many of us have latched onto this concept of finding “the one” person
out there for us, and so we linger in every relationship that pops up,
fearing that we might miss out on “the one”. Think about the fact that
there are 6.8 billion people on the planet. Doesn’t it make more sense
that “the one” is more likely to be “the one-hundred-thousand”? I
genuinely believe that there are a countless number of people out there
who will be great fits for us, and it’s just a matter of filtering
through potential partners until we find one of them.
As such, communicating your desires, needs and expectations, ahead of time,
becomes crucial. For example, if having children is of utmost
importance to you and your partner is set against having kids, then
likely the relationship will not last and both parties are wasting time
in the process.
Dating shouldn’t be about settling out of a fear that a better fit
might not come along. I believe that dating is about identifying the
qualities you need in a person and in a relationship, and then
“filtering” through as many people as it takes until you find someone
who possesses all the important qualities that you need.
Have you ever had the experience of shopping for a car, and found
that once you targeted in on the exact make, model, and color you
wanted, you began to see that car everywhere? From my personal
experience, I found that once I became clear with what I needed and
expected in a partner and in a relationship, more eligible bachelors who
had those qualities started showing up in my life.
Love Yourself First
As I mentioned in the article How to Overcome Breakups, the art of loving yourself
is not only important in the healing process from love lost, but also
in finding love. I believe that we cannot truly allow others to love us,
until we first love ourselves.
Another way of looking at this is to imagine each person in a
relationship as a wooden stick. If one person is independent and the
other is dependent, it’s like one stick is standing perfectly vertical
and the second stick is leaning against the vertical stick. If the
vertical stick moves horizontally, the leaning stick will fall. When two
people are both independent and joined together through love, it’s like
two sticks standing vertically. When they join together, they become a
larger and stronger stick and they become interdependent and stronger.
If one stick moves horizontally, the other stick will move with it.
Practice loving yourself: take yourself on a date, do things that
please and relax you, spend quality time with yourself, write love
letters to yourself, practice saying and feeling “I love you” in the
mirror.
Additionally, the practice of loving yourself makes you a more attractive person to the outside world.
When you truly love yourself, you will exude and spread a magnetic
energy to those around you. Before you know it, you will be surrounded
by those attracted to you for who you really are.
Forgiving Our Ex’s
When we hold onto unresolved issues from previous relationships, they
become emotional baggage in our future relationships. I’ve found
forgiving your ex’s to be a liberating exercise that contributes to the
wellbeing of yourself and your future relationships.
A few years ago I sat down with, or phoned, several of my
ex-boyfriends, and apologized for hurt feelings I may have caused, and
expressed and forgave them for my own hurt feelings from the
relationship. This experience brought closure to those relationships,
removed the baggage, and allowed new friendships to develop.
A Few Words On Sex
For those of us who are sexually active, I would like to point out
one thing. When you have an orgasm, there is a chemical change that
takes place in your body. In particular, your body releases a hormone
called oxytocin that
binds you emotionally to the other person. For a man, the effects of
this hormone last for 48 hours. For a woman, the effects last for 14
days.
This explains why, after having sex with someone who is clearly a bad
fit for us, we can end up in a relationship with them, even if it’s for
a short amount of time. Far too often, these relationships can turn
into long term relationships that ultimately end badly.
It is recommended by relationship experts to not have sex during your
dating and selection process unless you are okay with being emotionally
bound to that person or having that person be emotionally bound to you
for 14 days. Alison recommends not having sex with someone unless they
fit all the qualities on your MR list.
For more information on this topic, read chapter four of “The Female Brain“, by Dr. Louann Brizendine.
Parting Words
People often ask, “Where should I go to find this person?” The
logical answer provided by most is to go to places where such a person
would hang out, but this practice can often lead to disappointment. My
suggestion is to go through the exercises above to gain clarity on what
you need and the types of relationships you want. Then spend time
practicing the art of self-loving, while being open to the idea of your
ideal mate entering your life. I would not actively seek it. Instead
spend your efforts on self development.
As with all things of the heart, there is an ingredient of magic in
finding love. There are no coincidences. Everything happens for a
reason. Love is beautiful and unpredictable. The best thing we can do is
to start to become the most outstanding person possible. The universe
will know when we are ready, and when we are, true love will happen,
unexpectedly.div>
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sources: thinksimplenow.com
